


The Order's Most Eligible Bachelors

by cafei_au_lei



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drinking, F/M, Flirting, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Games, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:08:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25742572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cafei_au_lei/pseuds/cafei_au_lei
Summary: The Order's Most Eligible Bachelors, or: the ladies indulge in some firewhiskey and gossip. Sirius and Remus stumble upon a game they're not sure they want to be privy to (okay, maybe Sirius does.) The results lead to some necessary conversation and introspection for a few of the parties involved. Oneshot.
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks
Comments: 13
Kudos: 70





	The Order's Most Eligible Bachelors

Hearing the murmur of several voices as he and Sirius approached the door, Remus felt a vague sense of relief. Sirius had been in a foul mood for most of the day, and Remus wasn’t sure he had the energy to keep him pacified through the rest of the evening by himself. As they pushed through the kitchen door, the two men were greeted by the sight of several of the Order’s female members sitting around the table, passing around a bottle of firewhiskey alongside what looked to be a scrap of parchment, chuckling as they spoke in lowered voices.

“Now what are you girlies up to? Besides raiding my stash, it looks like.” 

At Sirius’ boisterous greeting, the group of witches looked up guiltily. Hestia Jones giggled loudly next to Emmeline Vance, looking stoic as ever, even though it didn’t appear to be tea in her cup; Remus felt a small lurch in his stomach - an unsettling yet not wholly unpleasant feeling which had become rather familiar as of late - and quickly looked away as Tonks caught his eye, grinning as she pushed her hair - tonight a deep burgundy - away from her dark, twinkling eyes. Molly Weasley stood up abruptly; Remus suspected she had taken at least a few sips from the bottle, judging by the fact that the color of her plump cheeks was giving her hair a run for its money.

“Well, ladies, it’s been a pleasure, but I’d best be off to make sure the children have gotten to bed. Did you two manage to sort out the singing baubles in the library?” she added brusquely, glaring at Sirius, who had the grace to look at least slightly abashed. 

“Yes, Molly, we finally figured it out,” Remus replied. “Things are a bit - er - quieter upstairs now.”

“They were meant to stick to Christmas carols, how was I to know the twins would figure out a way to teach them to shout insults at anyone entering the room?” Sirius muttered. Molly awkwardly patted Remus’ cheek as she passed by, eliciting an eye roll from Sirius.

“Thank you for your help, dear. I’m off to bed myself after seeing the kids in, so I’ll bid you all a good night. And don’t get up to too much trouble, now.” She seemed to direct this mostly to the witches behind her. Tonks and Hestia shared an impish glance, while Emmeline simply pressed her lips together in a prim smile before taking a small sip from her glass. “I have my hands full with the children, I don’t want to have to come down here and sort you all out at some odd hour of the night.” 

“Oh don’t worry, Molly, we’ll keep them in line,” Sirius said. Molly shot one last dubious look over her shoulder, then let the kitchen door swing shut behind her with a wearied sigh.

Sirius and Remus took their seats across from the witches as Sirius poured them each a glass of whiskey. “So what’s that, then?” he asked curiously, nodding to the parchment Hestia was now holding. She was looking at it with intense concentration, rosy cheeks flushing even pinker with the effort. Sirius frowned and held up the bottle, the contents of which half seemed to have disappeared in the concerningly short period of time between when Sirius and Remus had headed upstairs after dinner and now. 

“Oh, nothing,” Tonks replied shiftily, just as Hestia giggled and added, “Wouldn’t  _ you two  _ like to know.” 

“Well, now I certainly do. C’mon, if you’re going to drink my alcohol, you have to let me in on your secrets. You can’t keep  _ all  _ the fun to yourselves. Remus and I want in on this little girls club, don’t we, Remus?”

“Er -” 

“First of all,” Tonks said, “I brought this bottle by myself, so you stop worrying your pretty little head over your stash. Second of all, this is for  _ womens _ ’ eyes only; we aren’t little girls, thank you very much.” Remus took a hurried sip of his firewhiskey as her eyes flickered to him again, flashing him a mischievous smile. Why did he always feel like an awkward schoolboy around her?

“This is actually rather hard,” Hestia whined, still fussing with the parchment. “Do I really have to use up all the points?”

“Yes,” Emmeline explained gently. “We each used up our points, you have to use up all yours otherwise it won’t work. You can split them evenly if you can’t decide, you know.” 

“Ah, that wouldn’t be right, though. There’s real thought to be put into this. But I wish I could see what you two had put. I’m not sure I’m doing this quite fairly.” 

“We don’t get to see the tally till we’re all done, Hestia,” Tonks said. “And it really shouldn’t be  _ that  _ hard, there are only, what, five of them? And of those five I would say it’s really only three we’re considering here.” Sirius and Remus exchanged bemused glances. Remus shrugged, but Sirius didn’t appear to want to let this one go.

“Alright, that’s it.” He reached over the table and snatched the parchment out of Hestia’s hands, ignoring her shriek of protest. He looked down at it, brows furrowed in confusion. Despite himself, Remus leaned over to see several names scrawled on the parchment, including his own; next to each name were blank columns. Sirius let out a sudden shout of laughter.

“Are you... _ ranking _ us?” 

“That’s the idea!” Hestia replied brightly. “Most eligible bachelors of the Order of the Phoenix.” Remus nearly choked on his drink.

“Brilliant,” Sirius said, smirking as he clapped Remus on the back. “Er...I’ve got a few questions, though. Where’s Mad-Eye? Or Diggle? And most importantly, why’s Dung made this list?”

“Alastor’s a tad too old to really be eligible, isn’t he? If we include Mad-Eye we’d have to include Elphias as well and then...well, you know.”

“And to be quite honest I think we just forgot Dedalus, no one tell him that. We added Dung for a laugh, though. We couldn’t make the choices  _ too  _ easy. That’s why Snape’s on there, too, though I’ll drop dead if he gets any points from anyone,” Tonks added.

Sirius made a slight noise of disgust. “So when do we get to see the results? And what’s the prize for the winner?” 

Tonks snatched the parchment back from him. “Only when we’ve finished! I’ve charmed it so that the tallies aren’t visible until each of us has given out all our points. That way our votes aren’t influenced by anyone else. We each have the same number of points to give out, so they can be split up. You can also leave comments as justification for your votes, though those will be anonymous as well, so that’s just for fun.” She looked back down at the parchment, her tongue darting out to moisten her lips - the color of her hair, Remus noticed - as she hummed thoughtfully. “And there is no prize, unless the winner wants to engage in a tender game of footsies with each of us under the table at the next meeting. Otherwise it’s just the satisfaction of winning.” 

“Whose idea was this, anyway? Lots of thought’s been put into this, it appears. This is what some of the Order’s finest brain power’s being used for, eh?”

“It came up organically as a topic of conversation,” said Emmeline. “And it’s nearly the holidays, Sirius; do let us have our fun.” She smiled when Sirius looked at her, astonished; had  _ Emmeline Vance _ , of all people, just told him to lighten up? 

“Anyway, Tonks and I decided to make it into a proper game,” Hestia said. 

“Right, Hestia, so finish up, now! The rest of us gave out our points.” Tonks topped off Hestia’s glass, which Remus thought was perhaps rather unnecessary considering the amount of trouble Hestia was currently having focusing on the parchment in front of her.

“And who is on this - er - panel of judges?” Remus asked. “Also would any of you like some water?”

“You’re looking at them. Plus Molly.” Tonks ignored his second question.

“ _ Molly  _ took part in this?” Sirius asked incredulously. 

“She wouldn’t let us clean up after dinner, and she was still putting around the kitchen when we sat down to have a drink. So we wanted to include her, thought it might distract her a bit from Arthur. At first she said it was foolish, but once we convinced her to have a bit of a nightcap, she thought it rather sweet.” 

“Speaking of a nightcap,” Emmeline said, draining the rest of her drink, “This is it for me, I really must be off.”

“Don’t you want to find out who wins, Emmeline?” 

“I daresay I’ll be hearing about it at the next Order meeting,” the older witch replied, a hint of a smile on her face as she pulled her shawl closer about her shoulders. “And I know at least I can rule out Mundungus.”

“Don’t be so sure about it.”

“Utterly horrifying.” Emmeline cleared her glass with a neat wave of her wand, then pulled on her winter cloak. “You all have a lovely evening.” She made her way up the stairs, the group holding their breath until they heard the front door shut without any commotion from Mrs. Black. Sirius turned back to Hestia and Tonks, grinning.  _ At least he’s happy for now,  _ Remus thought. Remus, on the other hand, was exhausted. But he had to admit that despite his reticence to really hear further details about this game, the firewhiskey-fueled joviality was slightly contagious. Along with Tonks’ grin. He could never help but smile when she herself was smiling like that. 

“Well, you ladies get to it, then; we’re eager to hear the results, aren’t we, Moony?” Remus made a vaguely noncommittal noise of acknowledgement. “Make sure to give this old boy a pity point or two, though. We don’t want anyone feeling left out when I make a clean sweep of the competition,” Sirius added smugly.

“Thanks for that, Padfoot. Are you both quite sure I can’t get you some water?” 

“Be nice, cousin, Remus may hold his own yet,” Tonks said casually, giving him a small smile. He took another large swallow of his firewhiskey, deciding to blame the alcohol for the heat he could feel rising from his neck to his face.

He felt the corners of his mouth tugging upwards despite himself. “I do think perhaps you should have let Alastor take my place on that list, as there are some aspects of my - erm - person that may render me rather  _ ineligible _ in this aspect.”

Tonks winked. “Nonsense.”

“And Mad-Eye really is quite charming.”

“I’ll let him know you think so, Remus, he’ll be chuffed to learn he has an admirer. Merlin, Hestia, this isn’t the N.E.W.T.”

“Alright, alright, I’ve finished,” the other witch replied hastily, giving a final tap to the parchment with her wand. “Now who wants to tally the points? Not you, Sirius, that wouldn’t be fair, we all know you’d cheat.”

“I would  _ not-” _

At that moment, the kitchen door swung open and the group turned their heads to see an extremely wary Ron Weasley walk into the kitchen, barefoot and clad in a tatty pair of striped pajamas.

“Oh, sorry, I thought...Mum came up for bed, so I was just coming down quick to get a snack because I figured everyone’d be gone by now,” he mumbled, face reddening. Hestia’s face lit up.

“It’s okay, you can come in, Ron; we’re not talking about Order business. Well, not quite.” She gave a small hiccup. Remus quietly summoned a glass of water to set in front of her, which she promptly pushed back towards him. “We are working on a...erm...project, though, and we’re hoping perhaps you can help?” She gestured towards a small plate of cakes Molly had left with them with the vague hope they’d adequately line their stomachs, though everyone was so full from dinner that the sweets had remained nearly untouched; Ron came forward to grab one, looking back and forth curiously as he sat in the chair next to Remus. He cast a furtive glance at the firewhiskey bottle and his eyebrows raised slightly. 

“Sure, what d’you need?” He took a large bite from his cake, nonetheless looking rather pleased at being tasked with an assignment from the adults. Hestia handed him the parchment.

“It’ll be quick, then you can get back upstairs before your mum finds you out of bed. We just need you to read the names and the tallied points, there. We’ve been voting on - er - something and we need a fair and impartial eye on the results.” Ron nodded seriously, eyeing the parchment with an almost comically intense look of concentration Remus recognized from when he had taught the teenager. 

“Are you lot trying to decide who’s best at wandless magic or something?” he managed around his mouthful of cake.

“Er - something like that.” Sirius snorted as Hestia shot him a warning glance. 

“Only because Sirius was complaining earlier about Professor Lupin performing wandless magic-”

“Oh come on, you have to admit you’re a bit of a show-off,” Sirius said hastily as Remus raised his eyebrows at him. “That nonsense in the study the other day-”

“Just because  _ you  _ were more interested in covering every inch of this house in fake snow than helping me sort out those books - and after you thoroughly buried my wand in said snow, mind you -”

“Oh, hush, both of you,” Hestia said. Ron looked alarmed and rather like he was regretting even stepping into the kitchen. “Go on then, Ron,” she added encouragingly.

“Right.” Ron cleared his throat, brushing away some crumbs that had dropped onto the parchment. “This isn’t very neat, though, is it? These lines are all wonky.” Tonks narrowed her eyes. “That’s okay. I’ll figure it out. Right, um, Kingsley’s first. And he’s got...nine lines next to his name.”

“Very interesting, would’ve thought he’d get more,” Sirius mused. “Handsome bloke. Maybe it’s the lack of hair?” He shook his own out of his face, grinning as Remus rolled his eyes. Ron now looked extremely confused, but he valiantly continued his appraisal of the parchment.

“Snape’s got nothing. Well, that checks out then. I dunno what this is actually for, but it stands to reason Snape would lose unless you’re trying to decide who’s the scariest.” Sirius let out a howl of laughter; Remus looked over at him and shook his head slightly, though he himself was attempting to bite back a smile.

“Um...okay, it says that Dung’s got a point? Really, what is this for?” 

Tonks snorted. “Right shame it’s anonymous, because I’d really like to know who spared one for the likes of him.”

“He does give us a good laugh sometimes,” Hestia said, shrugging as Tonks arched an eyebrow. 

“D’you know what he’s always got in that weird pipe?” Ron asked curiously.

“I’ve no clue, and I hope to keep it that way. Speaking as an Auror, the less I know about Dung, the better, honestly. Anyways, go on then, Ron, now we’re onto the interesting bit. Let’s hear the last two. Should be extra special as these gentlemen are right here with us.” She raised her glass to Sirius and Remus, snickering at the look on Remus’ face. 

“Alright. Sirius, you’ve got...twelve, I think that is.” 

Sirius smirked, haphazardly splashing some more whiskey into Remus’ glass. “Don’t worry, Moony, second place isn’t too bad, all things considered.”

“Yes, well, I wouldn't expect -” Remus was cut off as Hestia shushed him. He rolled his eyes for what felt like the hundredth time that evening and vanished the whiskey Sirius had slopped into his lap. 

“And then Professor Lupin has…” Ron’s freckled face scrunched up slightly as he counted the tallies. “Wow! You’ve got eighteen, Professor. I dunno what exactly this is you’ve won, but congrats, I s’pose.” 

Sirius, who had been leaning back in his chair with a raised glass presumably prepared to toast himself, came back down on all four legs with a thud. “What?” 

“Er, thanks, Ron,” Remus said slowly, furiously avoiding eye contact with the two women who were now smirking at him from across the table. He swore under his breath as Sirius abruptly reached forward to grab the parchment from Ron’s hands, splashing even more whiskey onto the table. Ron lifted both hands as if in surrender, then grabbed another cake as he glanced surreptitiously towards the door. “You know, if you’re worried about your mum catching you down here, we’ll tell her we kept you up,” he added kindly. “Just send her our way.”

“Yeah, s’alright, I’d better...right, well. I think I’ll head back to bed. Thanks for the cakes. ‘Night, everyone,” Ron said, ears going red as he grabbed one more cake and shuffled rather uncertainly out of the kitchen, leaving a trail of crumbs in his wake and mumbling something about all the adults around here being off their rockers. Sirius was muttering under his breath as he pored over the parchment. 

“Well, gents, aren’t you glad you joined us?” Hestia beamed across the table. 

“Don’t hurt yourself over there with all that counting,” Tonks shot at Sirius, who was still furiously examining the tallies. He glared at her. “There’s practically steam coming from your ears.” 

“You know, maybe it’s your own heads you should be worrying about, if you lot chose a werewolf and an escaped convict to top your sexiest bachelors list.”

“It’s  _ most eligible  _ bachelors; don’t let your head swell too much, now. Anyways, what does that matter?” 

“I mean, those factors  _ were  _ taken into account,” added Hestia, shrugging at Tonks as the younger witch elbowed her.

“Speak for yourself, Hestia, not all of us care about rubbish like that,” she said, scowling as Hestia flushed.

“We wouldn’t blame you if you did, of course,” Remus added, chuckling slightly. Tonks gave him an odd look and he quickly averted his gaze, unable to bear the...what exactly was it he was seeing in her eyes? Merlin, what was wrong with him tonight?

“I mean, it’s not as if there’s  _ really _ anything wrong with being a convict - er - well, a wrongfully accused one, I suppose - I mean...” Hestia glanced over at Sirius, who was grinning again, apparently enjoying the curly-haired witch’s discomfort. He could still feel Tonks’ eyes on him and he suddenly decided to take pity on Hestia, who was now mumbling something about Muggle prison pen-pal programs; he pushed away from the table abruptly, clearing his throat.

“I - um - I think I’ll make some tea. Would anyone else like any?”

“Please, Remus.” 

“We’ve still got some of Tonks’ firewhiskey to finish off though, Moony. Gentlemanly thing to do, lighten her load.” 

“I see that, and I would like some tea now. You’re welcome to more whiskey though, Padfoot, I’m not your mum. Though I won’t tolerate your whinging about a headache at breakfast tomorrow if you keep at it.” 

“You’re a boring old sod, though,” Sirius muttered. “And to think the ladies of this house want in  _ your  _ knickers more than they want in  _ mine _ .” Remus set about fixing tea for himself and Tonks, clattering the spoon a little louder than necessary as he stirred milk and sugar into hers. 

“Stop being an idiot, Sirius, it’s just a game. Ta, Remus.” 

“I know, I know,” Sirius replied good-naturedly as Remus returned to the table, setting a cup down in front of Tonks; he gave a slightly concerned glance to Hestia before returning to his seat, debating whether or not he should give her a gentle shake, as she was now laying her head on the table. “Some women like the predictable blokes, I don’t fault you for wanting to shag Earl Grey over here.” Remus snorted, which startled a sleepily blinking Hestia upright. She cleared her throat awkwardly, wiping quickly at her mouth with the back of her hand.

“Look alive, Hestia,” Tonks said amusedly. 

“Ooh, but I’m knackered,” Hestia yawned, rising with a stretch and running a hand through her black curls, slightly flattened where she’d been resting her head on her arms. “I’d best be headed home.”

“You sure you don’t want to crash here, Jones? It’s a bit of a full house right now but I’m sure we could find a spare room or sofa.”

“Oh, no, I really would rather sleep in my own bed.” Hestia seemed to suppress a shudder at the thought of spending a night in one of Grimmauld’s cold, drafty rooms. “Thank you for the offer though, love. It’s been a pleasure, you all. Tonks, are you headed out as well?” 

“I think I’ll stay for a few minutes longer to finish my tea,” Tonks said casually, stirring the beverage in question. “Do you want me to walk you to the apparition point?”

Hestia waved her hand. “Oh, no, I promise I’m fine. I’ll be off then. Goodnight, you three.”

“‘Night, Hestia, thanks for the chat.” As soon as the kitchen door shut behind the witch, Tonks frowned across the table at Sirius and Remus. “Er - should I have gone with her? D’you think she’s actually fine to apparate?”

“I’ve seen her much further under the table,” Sirius said with a dismissive wave, “she’ll be fine. Plus, we have more important matters at hand to discuss.” 

“Which are?” 

“The audacity of this blatantly rigged competition you biddies came up with.”

Tonks rolled her eyes. “Christ, Sirius, I’m regretting letting you back into your own kitchen.” 

“No offense meant at all, Moony, but - how on earth you racked up  _ eighteen points _ to beat out both Kingsley and I is beyond me.”

“No offense taken, Padfoot. I'm rather taken aback myself, but your faith in me is particularly touching. Though I’m glad you at least put me above Dung in your estimations.” 

“Right, that’s the next thing I’m confused about, but - wait, Tonks, did you say there are comments?”

“Huh?”

“You said you could provide commentary along with the votes.”

“Oh, right. Give it here.” Tonks tapped the parchment with her wand, then handed it back to Sirius. “Also anonymous, you won’t be able to tell by handwriting who wrote what. But go on, read them if it’ll make you feel better.” 

Sirius squinted at the page. “Right. Mine says, ‘bad boy appeal.’ That’s not too bad, then, guess I can use my stint in Azkaban to my advantage for something, finally. ‘Snarky,” this one says. Not sure if that’s supposed to be taken kindly or not. ‘Means well’? I’m fairly certain  _ that  _ one is not meant to be nice, actually. And then with that one we’ve got, ‘nice hair.’ I knew  _ that _ would show up.” He beamed at the parchment, but his smile quickly turned into a scowl as he continued reading. “Hmm. Here we have, ‘can’t leave the house to go on a date.’ Well that’s bloody well not my fault, is it?”

“I daresay it isn’t.” 

“They're not exactly rolling out the red carpet at most wizarding establishments for you either, _Moony_ , so how’s that got me coming in under you?”

“At least Remus can  _ cook _ , Sirius,” Tonks retorted. Her cousin snorted. 

“Right. And when’s the last time he’s cooked us all a romantic dinner, then?”

“I do recall making us lunch just a few days ago, Padfoot, which you refused to eat because ‘only children should have to eat their soup chock full of vegetables.’” 

“Yeah, well, vegetable and bean soup wouldn’t quite be my choice to top a Valentine’s prix fixe menu, so that particular example is not really relevant to the conversation at hand.” 

“What’s wrong with vegetable and bean soup? It’s healthy.” 

“Exactly. Too practical. Just like you, Moony.” 

“I quite liked the soup,” Tonks piped up. “It went really nicely with that bread Molly baked. Plus there’s nothing lovelier than hot soup on a cold day, if you ask me.” 

“Merlin, what a suck up.” Sirius cleared his throat. “Alright, Moony, since you’re apparently the Order’s own Casanova, let’s see what yours says.”

“Erm - no, I’m okay,” Remus replied, already flushing with embarrassment. He really should have just gone to bed after they sorted out the library. Sirius waved his hand dismissively. 

“I have to know what it is you’ve got that I haven’t. Right…for ol’ Professor R.J. Lupin here, we’ve got...hm. Well, this one just says ‘tall.’” Sirius looked up from the parchment to scowl at the man sitting next to him. “You know, Moony, being tall isn’t a personality trait.”

“I don’t believe I ever said it was,” Remus replied pleasantly. Tonks tittered into her glass.

“That shouldn’t even be allowed to factor in, tall blokes always have an automatic advantage and it’s not fair. Right. Next up, we’ve got...‘sexy voice.’ See now, to  _ me,  _ you always sound like you’ve got a chocolate frog stuck in your throat-” 

“Thanks,” Remus said drily. 

“-but I guess the whole ‘professor with a perpetual head cold' thing does well with this crowd. And I bet it helps that women love to feel like they’re being told what to do.” 

“I don’t quite think that’s-”

“Do we now, Sirius?” Tonks said disbelievingly, arms crossing in front of the Weird Sisters album art splashed across the chest of her t-shirt. “Tell me more about what women like. Maybe that’s the reason you’ve come in second place tonight.” 

Sirius made a rude gesture at his cousin. “I'm just taking the piss. Fine. Next up for Moony we’ve got ‘wicked sense of humor.’ Alright, now this is just a load of bollocks. If you got points for that one I should have gotten points for my sense of humor too. You’re just quieter, so people don’t expect anything funny from you.”

“A strategy for you to try, perhaps.” 

“Git. Right then; lastly we have, and I read word-for-word, ‘devastating smile and beautiful eyes.’” Sirius pulled a face before he slammed the parchment down on the table and leaned uncomfortably close to a now rather flustered Remus, grabbing his chin to peer into his eyes. 

“Nice enough, but still looking pretty regular to me. Brown. Boring. Smile for me, darling.”

Remus blinked, shaking free of Sirius’ grip with a slight scowl. “You have brown eyes, too. And no.”

“Yeah, mine are darker, though. Mysterious, like. Yours are just, well - they’re a bit - rather -”

“What are my eyes, Padfoot? Do tell me.” 

“They’re a bit...poo-colored, if I’m going to tell the truth, mate.” Remus snorted into his drink. 

“Remus does  _ not  _ have poo-colored eyes,” Tonks interjected, rolling her own eyes. “Come off it, Sirius, you’re just bitter you lost.” 

“Damn right I’m bitter! If I wasn’t going to win, I at  _ least  _ should have been almost neck and neck with Moony here! But I should have known he was favored to win from the start, since-” he cut off abruptly, still glaring at Tonks. Remus looked up just in time to see a strange glance pass between them, before Sirius’ face softened and he gave a nearly imperceptible nod. Remus felt as though he had missed something. “Since Molly’s not fond of me.”

“That’s not true, you two just don’t always see eye to eye. She likes you well enough.” 

“Aye, it doesn’t really matter.” He clapped Remus on the shoulder. “Congrats, Mister Eligible Bachelor. Looking forward to your game of footsies with one of our fair maidens at the next meeting?”

“Er - I don’t know,” Remus replied weakly as Tonks tittered.

She drained the dregs of her tea then glanced at her watch, grimacing.“Alright, boys, I really must be off. I have to be at the Ministry in five and a half hours.” 

“Grim. Before you go though, Tonks, why don’t you tell us who you voted for?”

“What happens in the Grimmauld kitchen stays in the Grimmauld kitchen. But I will say that Dung’s point was  _ not _ from me.”

“No love for your old cousin either, then?”

“I should say that’s reason enough for me to not have given you any points,” she said, reaching over the table to ruffle his hair affectionately as she pulled her cloak on. “Not quite into the whole Black family incest thing, sorry. But don’t worry, Sirius. I gave you one...what did you call it earlier, a pity point?” 

“Only one?” Sirius said indignantly. 

“Well,” she replied cheerfully as she finished winding her scarf around her neck, “I couldn’t give  _ all _ of my points to Remus, now, could I?” Remus’ jaw dropped slightly, and she winked at him as she headed towards the door. Normally he would have offered to walk her out, but now he felt frozen in place. “‘Night, lads, I’ll see you tomorrow. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“Oi, Tonks, make sure you don’t wake my mum or Molly will have kittens,” Sirius called at her retreating back. She stuck her tongue out at him, but aside from a brief stumble and quiet “ow” on the stairs, the rest of her exit was remarkably quiet. Remus was still silently recovering from his slight shock as they heard the front door close above them. Could she really have meant-? No, he couldn’t let himself get his hopes up. But get his hopes up for  _ what _ ? What was he expecting to happen, anyway?

“Still can’t believe it. To think I’ve been unseated as most desirable man of the house.” Remus sighed. He noticed Sirius giving him a strange look out of the corner of his eye, and he knew he was in for the type of conversation he wasn’t sure he had the energy for right now - or ever, if he was being completely honest with himself. 

“I mean, you are the one who told them to be kind to me. I'm sure they were just being polite. A - er - creative attempt to cheer up the Order’s resident werewolf, for the sake of holiday spirit,” he joked. Sirius was still giving him that odd look.

“You can’t be serious.” Remus shook his head, confused, and Sirius sighed loudly as he rolled his eyes. “I mean, I knew it would be pretty stiff competition seeing as one of them is already half in love with you. Now that’s what I call an unfair advantage, aside from the whole you being tall thing.”

Remus felt as if his heart had stopped. “Wait, what-?”

“I did think I would get a few more points from the others, though,” Sirius continued, frowning. “I really thought Emmeline was into my vibe.” Remus snorted. “Ah, well. It’s really more the gap in points than the fact that you beat me that’s wounding my pride here, I think. It should have nearly been a draw, at least.” 

“What - er - what do you mean, ‘one of them is in half love with you?’” 

“Merlin, Moony. For being such an exceptionally intelligent bloke you really are thick sometimes. You heard Tonks just now. Half your points came from her.”

“She was just kidding, there's no way she thinks -”

“She was  _ not  _ kidding. You heard her, coming to your rescue every time I said something stupid at your expense. It’s like you two are allowed to tease each other but as soon as  _ I’m  _ the one who wants to be mean to you she comes to your rescue.” 

“Oh, come off it.” 

“And I suppose you were too busy trying your best  _ not  _ to look at her to notice, but she was making eyes at you the entire night. The same way she undresses you with her eyes during our meetings.”

“ _ Sirius-” _

But Sirius was picking up steam and Remus had a feeling he wouldn’t stop till he had been completely heard out. “It’s been like this for months, Moony. And you’re not so subtle yourself, either.” Remus opened his mouth to protest and Sirius shook his head. “Look, you two have already been spending loads of time together. She’s here practically every night that she doesn’t have a shift at the Ministry. You two are close. She’s clearly dying to spend a romantic evening eating your bean soup and gazing into your poo-colored eyes, mate, so just say when and I’ll stay out of your hair for a night.”

“That’s not - Tonks isn’t - you’re mad.” 

“She’s gagging for you, mate. It would almost be disgusting if I didn’t think you both deserve it.” Remus looked up at Sirius, startled by the earnest tone of his voice. “We’ve talked about it, you know.”

“Talked about what?” 

“It started off with me teasing her, of course, but then we got to really talking about it and...she really cares about you, Remus.” Sirius’ tone had softened now. 

“There’s - it’s not -” Remus set down his tea and scrubbed a hand over his face. He knew once the next words were out of his mouth he would not be able to take them back. “Someone like Tonks would not care for someone like me in that way. Ever,” he finished quietly. He felt extremely uncomfortable with the turn the conversation had taken, and he knew from the look on Sirius’ face that he had as good as declared his fierce affection for her.

He had spent so long believing that if he didn’t put words to his feelings, if he didn’t vocalize them for what they were - and he knew, deep down, exactly what they were - then everything was okay. That he was okay with the fact that they would just be very good friends - and nothing more. Because it was next to impossible that the vibrant witch that had just been sitting across from them, the woman with pink hair and an extreme fascination with weird Muggle grunge bands and eyes that positively shone when she smiled, could ever want anything to do with someone like  _ him _ . And though he hadn’t actually said the words out loud, he had essentially just admitted to Sirius that he  _ had  _ given this some thought in at least some capacity. He had spent his whole life convincing himself that something like this would never be possible. He couldn’t get his hopes up because surely it would only lead to crushing disappointment. He had spent too much time carefully putting up walls, doing his best to convince himself that the way she smiled at him - the way he sometimes felt that she was smiling  _ only  _ for him - was all in his imagination. After all, how could such a beautiful, kind young woman have a lovely secret smile that she reserved only for a destitute werewolf such as himself? 

“Moony, I’m telling you that she  _ does _ . She’s told me herself. She practically just told  _ you _ herself. She’s been hinting at it for ages, but I think she’s worried about scaring you off. I know she’s always joking around, but you should see the way she looks at you when you walk into the room. Christ, I’ll be lucky if someone ever looks at me in that way ever again in my lifetime.” He grasped Remus’ elbow; Remus looked up from his intense study of the kitchen table’s wood grain and was almost shocked by the sincere expression on Sirius’ face. He didn’t think it was possible to feel any more vulnerable than he already did, but as he made eye contact with his oldest friend, he felt the walls come tumbling down, even as he desperately tried to build them back up against the tide of hope that was currently threatening to take his breath away.

Remus swallowed, his mouth suddenly uncomfortably dry. “She’s just friendly. She’s like that with everyone. And I’m - I’m honored to be her friend. Really. That’s all I could ever ask for.” 

“She’s friendly with everyone, but she looks at you as if the sun is shining out your arse.” Sirius sighed. There was a long pause before he continued. “Did you know that she always stops by the morning after the full moon to ask me how you’re doing?”   
  


“What?” Remus asked, startled. “No, I - does she really?”

“Yep. Last Monday, about twenty minutes after I helped you get back into bed - she was in the kitchen making me toast while I gave her the Remus Report.” He smiled. “I made the mistake of telling her you had broken a rib, and she was nearly late for work because she was fussing about, making sure I had enough pain potion to give you. It would honestly be quite annoying if it weren’t really rather sweet. She would have gone up there herself to make sure you were in one piece if she didn’t so badly want to remain respectful of your boundaries.” Sirius hesitated now, toying with his nearly empty glass, running a finger around the rim as he considered what he was about to say. “To be honest, I’m not even quite sure “fancies” is a strong enough word for the way she feels about you at this point. She looks at you the way James used to look at Lily, mate. And I’ve seen you looking that way at her, too. I know you don’t like talking about this kind of thing, but I know you. I see it. I’ve been seeing it for the past few months.” 

Remus didn’t speak for what felt like an eternity. When he did, he closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see Sirius’ face. “What I want most for her is to be happy. I don’t know that she could ever be happy with me.” 

“She already  _ is  _ happy when she’s with you. Why do you think she’s always hanging around here after meetings? Why do you think she’s always challenging you to chess matches? She’s rubbish at chess, she only wants to play every night because she doesn’t mind getting repeatedly trounced by  _ you _ .” 

“She’s improved, I think.”

Sirius snorted. “No, it’s only because you either decide to let her win - it’s not subtle, by the way - or she cheats when she thinks you aren’t looking. And I know you know she cheats but you let her get away with it because  _ you fancy her, _ ” Sirius said, pointing an accusing finger. “Plus she plays chess with you  _ and  _ she doesn’t even ask to change the radio whenever you have it stuck playing that...Scoobert. Or Scubbert? That dead muggle fellow with the violin music that you’re fond of.” 

“Are you talking about Schubert?” Remus asked incredulously.

“Yeah, whatever. Schubert.”

“What do you have against Schubert?”

“That’s not my point. My point is that because it’s something you like, she respects it. If  _ I  _ had been playing that rubbish-”

“It’s not rubbish.” 

“-if  _ I  _ had been playing that rubbish,” Sirius continued impatiently, "there would have been a tussle over the station.” 

“I...this still doesn’t...mean anything.” 

“Whenever you two come back from a mission together she’s practically floating.  _ No one  _ should come back from a stakeout looking as happy as she does when she’s just spent eight hours crouched in a bush somewhere with you. She likes spending time around you. Whenever she comes over, if it’s just me down here, it’s always ten seconds or less before she asks where you are.” Sirius laid a heavy hand on his shoulder. “Look, mate. I understand why you’re feeling the way you do. Really. But I think this is simpler than you’re making it out to be. You fancy her, she fancies you. Why don’t you just ask her to dinner? I guarantee you it would make her the happiest woman alive.” 

Remus’ eyes were still closed as he rubbed his temples. What if Sirius was right? What if it were just that simple? The worst that could happen is that she  _ didn’t _ feel the same way, and although part of Remus wasn’t sure he could handle that sort of rejection, the other part really wanted to take that chance that he had been denying himself for so long. Sirius’ long-winded tirade had, despite Remus’ protestations, given the intended effect. The sick feeling that had settled in his stomach when they had first started talking about Tonks was slowly being replaced with something Remus thought might be elation. 

“Do you...do you really think she would be okay with...I mean, it’s certainly out of the question to…” he broke off, giving a rather resigned sigh and pushing his fingers through his hair. “It wouldn’t be wise for her to be seen with me in public in...such a capacity. And I can barely afford a nice dinner. It really would be just...a night in or something. Not that much different than what we usually do. Except...er...”

“I wouldn’t be there,” Sirius said, a glint of amusement in his eyes. “I think you could show up to her flat with a tin of soup and a packet of crisps and she’d be thrilled, Moony.” 

Remus nodded. “I’ll...I don’t know.”

“Just talk to her, Moony. I don’t think you quite have a choice in the matter anymore, either. I know I said she’s afraid of scaring you off, but I think she’s reaching the end of her rope with that, so you’re going to have this conversation soon either way. If you want to have it on your terms, the time is now. And I think it would make a pleasant surprise for her if you initiate it.” Sirius grasped his shoulder. “It would make me happy, too. I want to see both of you happy. Alright?” 

“I...yes, I’ll - I’ll talk to her,” Remus said, feeling himself smiling despite himself. He drained the rest of his tea to hide the flush spreading across his face. Sirius clapped him on the back, standing and stretching as his face broke out into a grin. 

“There’s the Marauder Moony I know. Getting the prettiest girl in the place to fall absolutely head over heels in love with him.” 

“You’re an idiot,” Remus muttered, though he was still smiling into his tea. “You off to bed?”

“Yeah, I’m knackered. Want to be up early to finish decorating tomorrow, too. You coming up?”

“I’m going to stay a few minutes longer. I’ll clean everything up, you can go ahead.”

“Don’t stay up too late, yeah? And do not overthink everything to death like you always do. The only thinking you’re allowed to do is deciding what you’re going to make for your romantic dinner with my cousin.”

“I know. Goodnight, Padfoot. And - thanks.” 

“Anytime.” Sirius paused as he reached the door. “If I may make a suggestion though, Moony, maybe a dish without exorbitant amounts of fiber would be better for a first date. No bean soup.” 

“Go to bed, Sirius.”

“Just a thought. Goodnight, mate.” 

Remus finished clearing up the table, washing and drying the remaining glasses and disposing of the now empty firewhiskey bottle. He picked up the parchment with all its tallies, looking at it thoughtfully before carefully folding it up and slipping it into his pocket. He headed up to his room with a small yet stubborn smile on his face. 

Ironic that being voted the Order’s most eligible bachelor may very well lead to his ineligibility as such. 

**Author's Note:**

> A small idea that popped into my head in the form of some half-baked dialogue, and it just got stuck there till I churned this out :) It's been a looong while since I've written an HP fanfic, and Lupin/Tonks remains my absolute favorite pairing so I've been back on a fluff kick with these two (and it's always fun to throw Sirius into the mix, of course!). I hope you enjoy. I'm always looking to improve my writing, so any reviews/constructive criticism/thoughts are always welcome. I hope you are all safe and healthy. 
> 
> I also want to add to any Harry Potter fans or readers who have been hurt by JKR's recent comments - I see you, I hear you, I love you. You are loved and you ARE welcome in this community. I'm sorry that there are those who cannot see that.


End file.
